Turn That Frown Upside Down

Today I am smiling after, what I like to call, my “sad day” yesterday. Have you ever awakened and just felt like you were on the verge of tears? Like your nerves are shot, your motivation is gone, and if anyone asks you about it hot tears immediately roll down your cheeks? Well, every so often I have one of those days. “Sad days” are hard to explain to other people- mostly because I usually don’t have any good reason to be sad. Perhaps if I was able to reach way down into my subconscious, I might have figured out why I felt so terrible. Unfortunately, the subconscious is difficult to find unless you know how to hypnotize yourself…

To make matters worse, we had impromptu interviews with our Manager at work yesterday to discuss our progress. Unfortunately, my progress this month is far less than phenomenal. So, of course, I had glistening eyes as I brought up some of the weaknesses and trials I had experienced during the past month. As we discussed what I could try to change to overcome my problems I tried to hide my glassy eyes behind my bangs , thinking it was working pretty well, until he asked me if I had some “stuff” going on. I could feel the tears welling up as I said- in the least undulating voice I could manage- “I’m just having a hard time today.” Can I just say how much I HATE to cry in front of people?

A little background into this man will help a little here: he is always nice, but never reveals anything about himself to us…and we don’t reveal anything to him. I’m not sure he doesn’t want to know, but he’s never been very approachable and I often get the feeling that he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t check on us, we are left to our own motivation and structure in our workday. So, I was a little more than surprised when he told me he knew how I felt, and if I needed a day off, or if there was anything he could do, to let him know. I tried to hide the shock in my face- which, thankfully, had masked the redness that accompanies my tears- thanked him and went back to my cubicle. Once there, I let the tears fall freely, feeling safe in my three little walls.

A few hours later my life-saver friend decided we all needed to go to lunch for her 8 year (wow) anniversary working there. How did she know I needed a break yesterday? It was so nice to get out, eat and laugh. From there, my day got a little better. I was nearly myself by the time I arrived home. I awoke this morning feeling normal- not ecstatic to leave my cozy bed, but normal, with no leaky faucets to be found. So, I hope everyone has a reason to smile today. After all, it is Friday, and the weather is perfect!

Winter Into Spring

I have been trying for a week to find a spare minute to write about my little nature walk with Matt and my camera last Saturday. Finally, I have found the time.



Saturday was absolutely beautiful! It was the first warm, sunny weekend we’ve had in what seems like eternity. We decided it would be fun to explore the river trail behind our house. We left and just kind of dawdled along down the trail, stopping to take a few pictures here and there. Unfortunately, my silly camera has a way of taking pictures the way it sees things and not the way I see things…which is why there are so few pictures on this site to date. I’ll try and have a talk with my camera though, and see if we can compromise a little so I can remedy that situation. Anyway, I came across a little alcove of trees around the very first bend and just had to take a picture. What do you think?




This photo I was actually looking for. There are so few places I have seen in Salt Lake City where the little shoots of grass are desperately trying to poke their way through the dead foliage left behind after a long winter. I found this little patch of grass and just had to capture it. I can’t wait until I see some colorful blossoms adorning our trees!

The funniest thing that happened on our walk was a little conversation I had with Matt…oh how I wish I had taken a picture! (Mind you, it’s been a week, so this won’t be word for word.)

Matt: “I think that’s a beaver!”

Me: “Where?”

Matt: (points at the river) “Right there!”

Me: “I think that’s a stick…”

Matt: “NO, it’s a beaver!” (runs to the riverbank for a closer look.)

Me: “What is it?”

Matt: (looks defeated) “It’s a stick…”

Well, I thought it was funny, especially because he was still groggy from a late afternoon nap and, up until then, had barely dragged his feet down the trail. The sight of the “beaver” got him running like a kindergartener to an ice cream truck in summer.




This last one was actually found by Matt, I just took the picture…enjoy!

Author's Note: Originally Published March 19, 2007

Fleeting Thoughts

Like a sweet breeze across a humid day
Thoughts of you brush across my mind
Rushing to the aid of my sweltering worry
Life paused for your memory

Through the bustle of day-to-day
You break my concentration briefly
To bring a smile to my face
And then a tear

Your presence bringing mixed emotion
First love then sadness
From our first kiss
To your last day breathing

Sometimes, I feel you here
To dry my moistened eyes
You are my handkerchief
I can live another day

(All poetry published on this site is mine. If you quote, please leave a link back to the original post. Thank you!)

Follow up on "The Appointment (part one)"

no baby this month…

The Appointment (part one)

On Saturday Matt and I went on an amazing walk (finally) on the trail behind our house. We have decided to continue to walk there…often. I have decided, though, to write about it another day. I have to warn you, things will get a little up close and personal from here on out, so if you don’t want to know…stop reading.
Today, I am feeling a little on edge. Up until now, I have only slightly hinted at the fact that we have been trying for a baby. To say that this has been a fun and wonderful process would be an overstatement at this point. I am certain my friends and family have had it with my complaints but today, I just need to get it out.
I feel like my body is playing tricks on me. I was supposed to know today whether or not we accomplished pregnancy this month. If you think it’s funny that I used the word “accomplished”, you have never tried for a year to have a baby. Instead of knowing, I got a little trickle of the evil red stuff, no cramps and instead of the tenderness of “the twins” subsiding-as it usually does on day 1- it got worse. So, of course, my mind starts racing…trying to find one good reason for me to think…”maybe, oh maybe”…nope…gotta block that thought. You see, I have become well trained in the art of stopping myself from thinking about the unthinkable. After the MELTDOWN last October, I’m not allowed to think “that” until I have a straight faced doctor to confirm it…twice. However, just because I have trained myself to stop those thoughts, it doesn’t mean the mind won’t try. It’s been eating at me all day…festering deep inside my brain…and tearing at my heart. I even considered buying a test…but who knows how much money I’ve spent on those already.
I am sure there are many women who have gone through the same thing I am going through. My question is…did your body play tricks on you? This isn’t the first time things like this have happened. In fact, I think there has been about 1 month out of 11 that things played out normally and I had a definitive “no”. Every other month there has been a pause and then a lot of questions. It has been absolute torture. I am not a patient person…and it is bad enough that 11 months have gone by…but does my body have to re-open the wound each time with a serrated knife?
I have almost become numb to it. I wouldn’t be surprised if/when it happens and I don’t believe it. I will be staring right into the doctor’s eyes as he tells me and I won’t believe him. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’ve decided I am incapable of this…maybe motherhood through this route isn’t my path…or maybe, I’ve just heard “no” so many times…”yes” is a far-away, forgotten word. Either way, none of these things are the reason I am on here.
Today, I made a call to the doctor…and, admitting defeat, scheduled the dreaded appointment.
Nurse: “What kind of appointment do you need to schedule?”
Me (timid): “I am not sure, I was just told to call and schedule a fertility appointment after we had been trying for a year.”
Nurse: “What date marks a year?”
Me: “April 12th, so probably something anytime after that.”
My appointment is April 13th…8:15 am. It seems so final. I know there is a road ahead…but I never thought conceiving would be so hard. You grow up thinking, “Well, when I want to have a baby, I will.” It doesn’t work that way…at least not for me. I know, I know…there is still hope. Maybe my body isn’t playing tricks on me this month…we do still have next month…but today…all I can think about is April 13th…and I’m scared.

To My Love

To the love of my life,

I feel like you are worried about me. You say you believe that I’m fine, that I’m not depressed, but I can’t shake the feeling that that you’re hiding the worry you have been feeling since you read my blog. I want you (and everyone) to know that I am fine. I am extremely happy in my life with you. I merely want to re-introduce my creative self into our little world. I want to branch out of the norm and really examine my life and the world around me. You truly inspire me and I LOVE YOU more than words could say. You are my everything and the reason I live and breathe. Without you I would be lost. I would love to be further inspired and truly appreciate the life we have. I want to give you (and me) back the creative part of me I’ve lost. If you will, I want to take you along on my journey of inspiration and discovery-in hopes that we will find a fuller life. Thank you for all that you have given me. I only hope I can give you more and more each day. I will keep giving until this life is over. When we meet eachother in eternity, we’ll take what we’ve learned, all the memories we’ve created, and present them before Heavenly Father. He will know we used the talents he gave us, and lived our lives for what they are- gifts from HIM. I love you with every waking breath, and even more when I am sleeping. I treasure all I have with you and wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING. Please know that I am happy, that I’m only trying to increase the joy I already feel in life. I am yours Always and Forever.

-Your Wife

Rain

I woke up to the pitter patter of raindrops on my window this morning. I took a moment to stir and acknowlege nature’s alarm clock, only to turn over and be disturbed by my own. The rain left me with a lovely sense of peace. Rain means spring and spring means life anew. Today I write the first of many thoughts on this page. Today marks the beginning of a my new life.
For the past few years I have let that wonderful creative side of me drift away. Every bill, every dirty counter, every TV show, took a piece of me away. Today, I’m left with little more than the thoughts in my head, the flute gathering dust on the floor, the photographs stored on my computer and the untuned piano in the living room. My once trained drawing pencil produces crooked lines and the written word doesn’t flow quite so easily. I find myself sitting in a cubicle, an earpiece nearly glued to my head, watching my life pass me by. I am merely existing when I should be living.
So, today is my spring rain. Today marks the beginning of relocating myself-of finding what I’ve lost. Of cleasing out the bad to make room for the good- the new. What a privilege to have such an epiphany. The sun coaxes the plants from their long winter’s nap and brings color back into the world. May the sun find my seeds and help them grow and may you experience it with me.