Home Stretch

I just want to say, not having to take my temperature everyday, has relieved an amazing amount of stress. Not having to remember to take my temperature in the morning before I can even get up to pee is just, well, wonderful. The other marvelous side effect? I don't, at any given moment, know exactly what day of my cycle I'm on. Obviously, I can easily figure it out if I think about it, but that's just it: I actually have to think about it! I am still anxious and there is some stress festering, but I am also, sort of, at ease.

One of the things my doctor said was that often, when a woman is trying to get pregnant, she lets it consume her life. I have let that happen. I don't run (even though I am DYING to) because I'm afraid all that bouncing would cause me to lose a baby before I even know I'm pregnant, I have been taking prenatals for over a year, I haven't taken ibuprophen (my favorite thing for headaches and backaches- which I get often) in forever, I think about pregnancy constantly, I TALK about it constantly (sorry dear family and friends), and I have been putting my life on hold anxiously awaiting something that hasn't come yet after a whole year.

I have decided I can't do that anymore. This may be another reason I am feeling a little more at ease. I am PRAYING, hoping and pleading that it happens for us this month. However, if it doesn't, I am going to go on that run, I'm going to start living my life. I know that when the time comes that I get pregnant, one jog down the trail isn't going to kill my baby if it's meant to be in this world. I will, obviously continue with the prenatals and tylenol :) for my pain, I will continue to watch what I eat and I will continue to be anxiously awaiting motherhood...but for now, I need to start living. If this takes another year and I'm still in limbo...well, lets just say you might have to visit me at a new address...the looney bin.

For now though, through this last week of my cycle, I will continue to hope that I'll have to walk instead of run, that I'll have to take tylenol and prenatals for quite a long time, that I'll have to stop eating certain kinds of fish. I'll keep praying that I have to buy diapers, and a crib, and adorable little clothes. All this hoping may just kill me, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Please keep us in your prayers this week...not that pregnancy will happen, because it's too late for that, but that, no matter what happens, we'll make it through (and that I'll keep my promise to myself).

Weird

To those of you that have husbands, I would like to ask you a question. As your he continues to discover things about you, that never managed to come up while you were dating, does he ever say you're weird? Does he do it every time? Since I've been married I have been called weird on a number of occasions. For instance (this was a long time ago...the conversation is made up):

(After I have spooned some cottage cheese into a bowl...)
Matt: What are you doing?
Me: Cutting tomatoes...
Matt: Why?
Me: To put in my cottage cheese.
Matt: Are you serious?
Me: (Staring blankly as I put salt and pepper atop the cottage cheese/ tomato concoction)
Matt: Ugh! That's gross! You are so weird!

Or how about this instance:
Matt: What are you doing?
Me: Organizing my shirts into short to long-sleeve/ color order
Matt: You are so weird! You better not touch my shirts!
Or this one:
Matt: Don't you just love the Rocky movies?
Me: I have never seen any of them...
Matt: What?! You've got to be kidding me! You've lived such a sheltered life! You are so weird!

Or how about today:
(After taking the first bite of our stuffed crust pepperoni pizza...)
Matt: Mmmm...Don't you just love stuffed crust pizza?
Me: I don't know, I have never had it.
Matt: What? You are so weird!

I could go on and on. I'm to the point of changing my name from "Katrina" to "Weird". I feel it may better suit me. Was he unaware of my weirdness before the marriage vows? It's no small secret that I'm a bit weird. All my friends know I'm weird, my family knows I'm weird, even my co-workers know I'm weird. Yet my oddity continues to- almost daily- astonish my husband and each time, he feels the need to remind me of how weird I am...even if I'm trying to be silly and weird. So, I thought I'd ask...do any of you experience husbands that still think you do weird things? Cuz, I'm feeling a wee bit lonely here in weirdland. Would you care to join me?

Love

I am feeling very fortunate today to have a husband who loves and cares for me and isn't afraid to show it. Upon returning home from a contact solution run, Matt handed me and envelope (for no reason at all) and a bag of chocolate (yum!). I opened it up to reveal the sweetest card:




"Since I met you, I've fallen in love with you at least a hundred times for a hundred different reasons. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I watch you doing something you enjoy, something you're so involved in that you're unaware of my presence. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I listen to you talk to other people. Whether you're being interesting and funny or warm and caring and genuinely concerned, you have a way of making people feel better with nothing more than your words. Sometimes I fall in love with you just thinking about you, remembering all the memories we've made... And whenever I think about the wonderful things that lie ahead of us, I fall totally and completely in love with you all over again." -Renée Ruvall

There's nothing sweeter than receiving a little gesture of appreciation when it is unexpected. We've been through a lot together in our three years of marriage. This last year of trying to conceive has been very difficult for us, yet he always stays positive, he always reassures me, and he is always by my side trying to put on the brave face. He lends a shoulder to my tears, he makes me laugh till my stomach aches, opens my doors, and always tells me how much he loves me before we nod off each night. I'm inspired by him daily as he constantly tries to better himself and worries constantly about trying to make more money so I can be a stay-at-home mom to our children (someday). I have been focusing so much attention on getting pregnant that I lost focus on what I already have- a husband who will take my hand in his and walk with me, side by side, down the road of life (no matter where it leads).

Results!

We arrive at the doctor's office and the nurse brings us back into the exam room and mumbles, what I heard as, the following: "Dr. should be done with surgery and heading up any minute"..."undress and lie face down (?)"...and something about a sheet- I assume she is referring to the green folded one on the table- as she shut the door. So, Matt sits down, takes my coat and purse from me, I say, "Face down?" He looks at me and says something to the effect of, "Maybe you're supposed to have your butt in the air?" Continuing to find it strange, I take my sheet into the changing stall in the corner and proceed to undress. Halfway through I begin to remove my shirt when it occurs to me that there's no breast exam today...so I ask Matt to go ask the nurse if I need to take my shirt off. He sighs and fulfills my request. I overhear the nurse say, "No, I said from the waist down." (Waist down, face down...it sounds the same, right?) Feeling sheepish, I open up the sheet- which turns out to be rather small- and suddenly feel very grateful I double checked.

Just as I am about to sit on the exam table, the Doctor walks in and shakes my hand, followed by Matt's. He then opens my chart, explains a few things to Matt- since I was the one who actually received the lab results from his test, not him- and then puts my feet in the stirrups. As he turns around to put on his gloves, I examine my new footrests and discover they are horse puppets- stirrups dressed as horse puppets- how ironic. Placing my rear all the way at the end of the table, I lay down and feel something cold, something uncomfortable- which proceeds to become more uncomfortable- then I hear a click. "Is that bearable for a couple minutes?" he asks. "Oh sure," I say aloud- (just as comfy as a bed of nails!) *insert eye rolling here* They're men...they don't know. Then he inserts, what I swear looks like, pliers, pulls them out to show me how the elasticity is good in my cervical mucus (Oh thanks, always wanted to see that! I'm sure Matt did too!) and then takes a sample. The "fun" part is finally over as he removes evil metal duck thingy, and leaves the room to examine the specimen. I run into the changing stall and dress. Waiting...

He came back much sooner than expected and said everything looked good. (Oh good, my mucus isn't killing Matt's "boys"!) "Lots of little swimmers!" he exclaimed, and proceeded to tell us that they were moving around just fine- yay, the viscosity isn't an issue- and that if we don't get pregnant this month, he wants me back for the dye test next month. So, I am feeling hopeful. I am relieved that nothing serious is wrong so far, and also a little confused as to why we aren't pregnant yet- since everything is normal. I know, though, that all things happen for a reason and when it's time, we will have a little one in our lives. Until then, I'll try to relax and let nature take it's course- hopefully. Nighty night blog world!

Fertility Journey

Wow, I can't believe how long it has taken me to get on here and write about the test results. As you know, Matt submitted his "little swimmers" to the lab last Monday to have them tested. Well, on Friday I called the doctor to find out the results. The doctor said that, overall, he was happy with the results. The motility (their sense of direction and movement) was really good, he said, and the forms (as in how well they're formed and whether or not there are malformed or dead ones) looked good. The only problem they could see was the lab was unable to determine the sperm count as the sample was viscous (sticky). The doctor said this was solvable by running the sperm through a small needle to separate them and that would solve the problem. But first, he wanted to do a test on me.

The test is called a post coital (after intercourse) and basically they want to test the cervical mucus and the sperm 3-15 hours after intercourse- during your most fertile time- to make sure the sperm aren't being killed by the cervical mucus, and also that the sperm are not too viscous to make it through the cervical mucus. So, I had to pee on a stick for the last couple of days to find out when I am most fertile (ovulation kit to test for my lh surge). I peed on a stick Friday...faint purple line, deep purple line...nope. Saturday- peed on a stick: two purple lines, but the test line still wasn't as deep as the control line. Today, after being told by my hubby to "go pee on a stick": two purple lines...called the doctor- on his cell phone because we have to schedule an appointment within the 3-15 hour time frame- voice mail. :-(

Oh well, hopefully he'll call sometime tomorrow. At least I'm done peeing on a stick for this month!

The Appointment (part two)

I’ve been trying to find a minute to get on here and write about friday’s appointment, I finally found time just now, so bear with me as I try to get all this out.

My emotions were a little raw the rest of the day Friday. I just…I don’t know. I was so nervous-I’m talking fidgeting, shaking, pit-in-your-stomach nervous- all morning to go to the appointment. I thought they would do all these tests and tell me what was going on and I’d have somewhere to go from there- but I got there and all he did was talk to us, tell us that Matt needed to give a sample, gave us a couple options and said, “Everything looks normal and I’m confident you will be pregnant within the next few months.”

I suppose I should have taken that as good news, but I felt like nothing was really resolved and I was still recovering from how hard it was to even go to that appointment. I just shouldn’t have had all those expectations when I really had no idea WHAT to expect. Part of my problem is, if there’s nothing wrong with me at this point, why can’t I just get pregnant? Why didn’t they do tests on me too? Why didn’t they give us a drug, or something to try in the meantime? I went to the appointment expecting answers, and left with more questions. I suppose I should have gotten all my frustrations out while I was there…but I just felt like I was off in another world…it was the weirdest feeling…almost like having an out-of-body experience, like I wasn’t supposed to be there or something.

Today, I’m feeling ok about it. Matt took his sample in to the lab this morning so we’ll wait and see if the problem lies in that department. Once we find that out, the doctor wants to do a dye test on me- basically they flush a colored liquid through my tubes to make sure things flow freely and everything is clear. After that test, they will test to make sure my cervical mucus isn’t killing off the sperm. If that is the case, they will do artificial insemination (by the husband) to get the sperm past the cervical mucus so they will have a better chance. So, we have a plan. I feel like everything will be ok. I am trying not to worry about artificial insemination and it’s cost-since we haven’t even gotten that far yet, but it’s hard for me not to worry.

My hope is that it will be something simple. I am hoping that something like fertility drugs will fix the problem, or if there is no problem, I am hoping that Heavenly Father is sending us a child soon, that he’s just waiting for something specific to happen first. Right now, I’m just waiting- like I haven’t done enough of that in a year- to find out SOMETHING. I appreciate your comments and well wishing on my behalf, and I will continue to keep you posted.

Doubt Confirmed

Well, my doubts about being pregnant have been confirmed. I woke up to find that evil red stuff and have been sulking around most of the day. Somehow I knew a few days ago that I wasn’t pregnant…which, I think, did it’s part in building a solid wall against my emotions. I have prayed that if I can’t be pregnant, that I can at least feel comforted. Well, I am actually doing O.K. While I’m feeling a little down, I didn’t fall apart this morning. My exact words to my husband were, “Well, that’s that!” Is it normal to feel this nonchalant about it? I suppose after a year of failure, you learn to deal with it. Every month feels less and less like a major loss. Maybe I was just being prepared for what I’ll have to deal with while going to the fertility doctor. I’ll need a strong wall to get through the next few months. The appointment is Friday. Details then.

Signs and Signals

Just a preface, I share a lot of personal woman information on this one. You have been warned.

Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, but I am convinced I have accomplished pregnancy this month. I have about 10-12 days before I’ll know for sure, but my boobs are KILLING me, and they feel really heavy and seem bigger than normal. I had- I think (it’s the only explanation I can think of)- what’s called implantation bleeding, mostly because it’s too early to even have an early period. I have had to pee way more often than normal, which COULD be explained by my increased water drinking…but I have been extremely thirsty lately and just really can’t get enough water. I am tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. My lower abdomen feels strange…like something is tugging lightly on my insides. Overall, I just can tell something is different. Granted, I could be imagining all of this. It’s possible that I miscalculated my cycle and things are just starting a little early. There’s also a chance that I am not crazy, and I really am pregnant. For a couple more weeks, I just won’t know. I am trying not to let myself believe it. I keep reminding myself that it hasn’t happened in 11 months and it may not happen now. I’ll continue to hope that it does, and keep you posted if/ when I find out. Keep us in your prayers!

Author's Note: Originally Published April 2, 2007

Doubt

I know this seems to be a played out subject to some, but it’s all that’s on my mind this week. I am starting to doubt my earlier feelings that I was, in fact, pregnant. I don’t know for sure yet, but my logical mind is telling me that, statistically, there’s no way I can be pregnant. According to my statistics, I have gone 11 months without getting pregnant, so how is it possible for me to get pregnant in the 12th? I’m starting to doubt my capability of dealing with being put outside of the “most couples get pregnant within 6 months to 1 year” pool. I have started worrying about how I’ll deal with taking fertility drugs. What if they don’t work? What if I have to do IVF? How will I emotionally deal with knowing EACH AND EVERY TIME a pregnancy doesn’t stick? It’s possible I could have miscarried several times during the last year, without even knowing. What will it be like to KNOW each time your body failed? I know I am getting ahead of myself, but my worrisome nature just can’t let it go. I guess we’ll find out what my emotions will do when the time comes.