"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

i am feeling...lost? no, that is not the right word...i am not lost, i am uncertain...about, well, everything. my mind is filled with questions. where am i going? what am i doing? what am i waiting for? why can't i just LIVE and let the pregnancy thing be? why am i SO FREAKIN FOCUSED on having a baby that i can't justify an early morning jog because i might hurt a potential pregnancy? what if i never become pregnant (heaven forbid) and i spend years living in limbo? what if i find myself five years down the road without a child in my arms, having gained 20 more pounds than the 30 i've put on the last few years? what if i'm still sitting on the couch channel surfing and watching my life drift slowly by as i wave it away like a fly? how can i keep justifying my laziness? so many questions and no easy answers. couple that with the fact that my body can't decide what it wants to do.

did you know i started bleeding last tuesday? ten days before i was supposed to? then i stopped on friday and not a drop since. what does that mean? am i pregnant? am i just freaking out? am i so damn stressed out that my body is signaling it's had enough? and how come i never noticed that my breast are tender near cycle day one before i started trying? why did it take me six months to figure that out so i didn't think it was a sign of pregnancy? how's a girl supposed to figure all this out on her own?

here's a thought. how about we take all the crack addicts that get pregnant and throw children away like trash...and place those babies in the wombs of the women who have good homes, who ache to hold their child in their arms? i am dizzy with the thoughts swimming around in my head. wondering how much longer i can hold it in. wondering what it's going to take to push me over the edge. what is going to break this calm i've been feeling? do you find it sad that i almost expect the bleeding to come? do you know how to break hope? do you know how to get it back?

i am uncertain about life, about where this path will lead me. i am uncertain whether we'll ever have enough money for a house, if we'll ever be out of debt. i am worried about my job, how much longer i can do it...what it will take for me to focus. i am hoping that Matt likes his new job and that it will take him far. far enough that i can quit working, be a stay at home mom like i've always wanted, do some of the things i truly love and never have time for...that is if i can just get over this hurdle mountain- that stands between me and motherhood. i would love any advice...any answers to my questions...anyone in my shoes.

Title is a quote by: John Wooden