Ups and Downs

I sometimes wonder where all my motivation goes. I mean, for a while there, I was really into running. In fact, I'm still really into it. It's just that I can't fathom running when the high today was 27 degrees. Does that make me a quitter? I feel like I start a lot of things I don't finish. Some of those things are silly side projects and it doesn't matter if they get done any time soon.

I've realized, though, that I've started a lot of different things over the last few years to try to lose weight, or at least get in better shape, and no matter what, I fail to complete it- or even keep it up for a reasonable amount of time. I am so frustrated with myself about this. Every day I look into the mirror before I step into the shower and suck in my stomach and try to push my fat about to see what it would be like to look more like an hourglass and less like an apple on a stick.

I am often found trying things on and then getting frustrated because yet another clothing item no longer fits. It's sort of funny sometimes that this weight issue seems so BIG to me because I'm really not THAT overweight. In fact, by most standards, I'm not overweight at all. It's just that, if I replaced the fat with muscle, I'd fit into things better and just generally FEEL better about myself. It's strange to look in the mirror and not recognize myself...or to look back to my college days and wonder where that girl went. That confident girl with the skinny waistline and the long flowing hair. She could conquer the world. I can't even conquer my body issues.

Poor Love is constantly having to reassure me that he still finds me attractive. I don't think he knows how deeply this body-hate goes. It's so different to see your body after it's been ravaged by pregnancy. I'll spare any Men in my audience from details, but nothing is ever the same. You feel like a shriveled up raisin. The other day I tried on the jacket from one of my favorite suits and found I couldn't button it. So, that night I did pilates at midnight. A few days later I'm wondering to myself, "Just exactly what did that accomplish?"- because I haven't bothered to exercise since.

I'm full of excuses why I don't have time to exercise, and truthfully, I have no idea how to stop that mind frame. I'm also full of reasons why I should- mostly complaints about the way I look- I am my worst critic. I never wanted to be that person who hated her body. I always swore I would stay in shape so I never had to feel like I didn't love my body. But...I didn't. Now it seems impossible to get back to where I was.

I'm not disillusioned into thinking that I'm going to ever look the same as I did in college. The fine lines under my eyes and the pregnancy have told me that much. I'd just like to get to where I can feel good in my clothes. Have a little bit flatter tummy, get my waistline back, and feel strong and healthy. This is something I would like to achieve soon so that I can pass that feeling on to Zoe. I want to get in shape for myself...but also for Love...and for Zoe.

She is watching me now. She's learning from me how to be a woman. She's watching me to see if I love and respect my body, or if I hate it. She's watching...and I'm not being a good example. I want to teach her to love her body...but the trouble is...I don't know where to start on myself...let alone my daughter. I need a plan...a winter plan. When it gets warm, I'll run again...but I don't want to wait that long. I want to stop feeling like a failure.

Needed to get that out. Thanks friends.