Pudgies

I have read back through my last few months of posts and realized I've been holding back. I started this blog with little to no fear of oversharing or overstepping boundaries. I just shared what I felt. Sometimes it was graphic. Sometimes it was too emotional. Mostly, it was heartfelt, real, and allowed me a space to share anything and everything. Since a lot of people I know have started reading this blog, I stopped being open. I started censoring myself for fear that someone might not like what I said, or that someone might not want to know certain things. It was at that point that I didn't enjoy writing here anymore. So, this is an attempt at reality. If you don't already know, my name is Katrina or Kat, I go by either. Love's name is Matt or Matthew. This is my blog reborn. Over time I will remake this blog into something I can be proud of. Or at least recreate a space where I can be open and honest. It might take me a few posts to get back in the swing of things!

In the last couple months I regained 10 of the 27 pounds I recently lost. I'm so frustrated at this point. I have a very complimentary husband, but often find myself wishing he could have seen me the way I was then and not now. Months ago I lost the weight very quickly. It wasn't healthy, gradual weight loss. It was fast, grief and stress weight loss. It was a combination of not eating enough and nursing a baby. Regardless, for the first time in 6 years, I felt sexy. I felt good in my skin. I felt skinny. It was one of the few silver linings I got out of going through the divorce. Putting those pounds back on has me groaning again when I see myself naked in the mirror. Sucking in and wishing for what was in my reflection just weeks ago.

I am working on losing the weight again, but focusing more on health, strength, and maintaining an active lifestyle. Yet I worry often about the changes my body underwent with my two pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls. Everything my body has been through for them was more than worth it. Matthew loves me and tells me often that I'm skinny and beautiful and that he doesn't care about my stretchmarks. Let's be honest though, it's not pretty! Will my stretchmarks end up looking like sad, wrinkled, flabby skin if I lose the fat that's underneath them? Is it worth it to have abs if the stretch-marked skin might not allow them to show? Will I have any boobs left if I keep doing all those push ups? Will I ever look close to normal again?

Secretly, I dream of having a body like the ones on the covers of the magazines. Logic tells me that those women don't really look like that. I've seen the amount of make-up, tweaking and airbrushing done to make those photos scream perfection. My illogical side tells me those women are what our world thinks of as beautiful. I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL. Well, what I really want is to FEEL beautiful. A few weeks ago, I had a minor issues with my stretch marks and what is left of my boobs after nursing two babies, but otherwise I actually FELT beautiful. I felt confident. I felt like maybe I could turn a few heads. That mentality hasn't disappeared completely, but I want that feeling back.

Three weeks ago I took pictures on my start day of the exercise program I've been doing. I see those pictures and it's frustrating, yet also motivating. I truly believe reconditioning my body, gaining muscle and losing fat will make me feel both healthy and beautiful. (Maybe even sexy.) The biggest difference between this weight loss and the last is that this time I will work hard for it. It will happen gradually and I will notice the little differences. I will notice the fact that I actually have visible biceps. I can do (modified) pull ups for the first time in my life. I can do yoga moves I never thought I could even attempt. I can live an active lifestyle with my husband and teach myself and our kids how to love and take care of our bodes. I do have fears about what will happen to my post pregnancy body as I make changes to it through fitness. My hope is that any oddities pregnancy may have created will be outweighed by the feeling of accomplishment when I push play on the 90th day. Or the first time I can do a pushup off my knees. Or maybe the day I fit better in my clothes from 10 pounds ago. Those are the important things. If it turns out those things are not enough, there's always the option of surgery!

P.S. I would love to hear thoughts from both men and women on the issues of fitness, post pregnancy bodies, and body image.