Five Minute Friday: Older

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: Older

Go.

As I hit the latter part of my twenties I am starting to feel the effects of getting older. Starting to notice that I have a little more trouble losing weight than I used to. Starting to notice fine lines and wrinkles around my eyes. Finding a white hair.

I do fear getting older physically. I have a lot of worries about how my body will carry me through the years. Will I get diabetes since I am at risk from having gestational diabetes? Will I have issues with memory in my late age? Will I be able to run and play with my children and their children? Will my joints or my insides cause me issues?

However, the older I get the more I notice my excitement for growth. My age carries with it a lot more wisdom than my younger self. I have been through a lot of things. My young adult years, my marriage, infertility, parenthood, divorce, remarriage. I have gained so much from all those different times.

I feel like an experienced mother. People come to me for parenting advice sometimes! As a young woman I thought kids were annoying and had trouble imagining myself as a Mother. Now I would never trade my two little gifts for anything.

I have learned a lot about me. What I love and hate about myself. What I can change and can't change.

I think the greatest thing about getting older is looking forward to everything I have to learn, everything I have to gain, and all the joys, and yes even the trials that I have to overcome. I have learned that I can handle no matter what comes my way. I know that God will not put anything in my path that he doesn't think I am capable of. I know I will spend this life looking for ways to be a better person, a better Mother, a better wife, a better friend and especially finding ways to become closer to God.

So, even with all the fears I have of the physical part of getting older, I know I am here to learn. And that is what I intend to do.

Stop.

Shutdown

I have this tendency. Being a perfectionist my whole life, I have always been a little embarrassed of this tendency. Yet here I am admitting it on the internet hoping it will cleanse me a bit.

When I get overwhelmed I shut down. Completely.

Right now my house in in shambles, I haven't blogged in weeks, I'm a bit behind on my work, I have a "to do" list a mile long, I have calls to make, a car to have repaired (another story for another day) and a million other things I can't even remember right now.

It's overwhelming.

And I haven't even begun to tackle any of it.

I don't know if my brain just doesn't know how to process that much to do. To break it down. To prioritize. Or if I just have this lazy streak in me that comes out when I've had enough of the endless "trying to stay on top of things" mindset I usually run on.

I had to take another trip to New Mexico (yet another story), which I am so grateful I got to take. However, all the time away from home allowed me to get used to living without a massive list of things to do. And that little part of it was nice.

Meanwhile, that list kept growing in my absence and I returned unsure of where to even start!
Add to that our attempt to give Zoe some clear rules and responsibility and a teething baby. This week I just gave up.

The problem with a perfectionist mentality and shutdown mode coexisting is that I get a huge pile of anxiety to add to my already overwhelmed mind. And it shows. I don't sleep well, tossing and turning, I can't shut my mind off, I beat myself up over not getting anything done, I feel embarrassed when people see the results of shutdown mode, which gives me more anxiety.

Then I just feel awful.

Luckily, the anxiety usually wins out and I decide to do something about the mess I've tried to ignore. I guess I've started with blogging. Not the best priority to pick, maybe, but I do feel better getting all this off my chest. Next is the mountain of laundry I'm going to fold and then the kitchen I need to tackle and then that pesky "to do" list will start to get checked off and all will be right in the world again.

Until I get overwhelmed again...and shutdown again...and the cycle continues. Sigh.

Anyone else have this issue?

Five Minute Friday: Whole

Has it really been two weeks since I posted? I tried so hard to keep up with this on line life of mine but I got too busy with real life and the importance of what was/is going on in my family so I took a long break. I feel more refreshed now.

I am back in town, still trying to put my house back together after being gone so long. Posting will continue but it will not be every day. I love blogging but it is becoming all-consuming. Since this blog is about finding a balance that doesn't seem right. I hope you'll continue to follow along!

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: Whole

Go.
After a few days of being home and getting back to the craziness that is my life I have realized that a part of me feels very empty. That part of me that is filled with the laughter and inside jokes of my family. That part of me that feels just right beside my sister talking about pregnancy and babies and the future. That part of me that saw my new niece for the first time. That part of me that smiles as I watch them play and interact with my kids. That part of me that recognizes this warm, safe place as home.

I was in New Mexico for nearly three weeks. Always when I go home I am ready to leave for MY home by the end of the trip. Mostly because I like my routine and the life we have created here. While I still treasure my life, family and friends here, this departure from home was measurably more difficult. I felt a deep weight on my chest as I said goodbye to my newest niece, the brother I saw for only a few days after two years of separation, and the family I can never seem to get enough of.

There is a part of me that wishes I could combine the two lives I feel I lead. The life I live everyday and the life I have to visit and then leave behind. If only it were possible I know I would feel whole and not always have a half-empty feeling. If only.

Stop.

What makes you feel whole? What makes you feel empty? Please leave a comment and share with us. If you have not yet, please take a moment to find a way to follow me!