I know I promised new stuff this week, but I'm neck deep in house updating and upkeeping stuff and I just can't muster up a new post today. So, I thought it would be interesting (especially to all my newer readers) to repost a couple posts this week from my infertility journey. We all know that I eventually conceived and now have two little ones, but the path to that point was hard. This post was after a year of trying on our own...
On Saturday Matt and I went on an amazing walk (finally) on the trail behind our house. We have decided to continue to walk there…often. I have decided, though, to write about it another day. I have to warn you, things will get a little up close and personal from here on out, so if you don’t want to know…stop reading.
Today, I am feeling a little on edge. Up until now, I have only slightly hinted at the fact that we have been trying for a baby. To say that this has been a fun and wonderful process would be an overstatement at this point. I am certain my friends and family have had it with my complaints but today, I just need to get it out.
I feel like my body is playing tricks on me. I was supposed to know today whether or not we accomplished pregnancy this month. If you think it’s funny that I used the word “accomplished”, you have never tried for a year to have a baby. Instead of knowing, I got a little trickle of the evil red stuff, no cramps and instead of the tenderness of “the twins” subsiding-as it usually does on day 1- it got worse. So, of course, my mind starts racing…trying to find one good reason for me to think…”maybe, oh maybe”…nope…gotta block that thought.
You see, I have become well trained in the art of stopping myself from thinking about the unthinkable. After the MELTDOWN last October, I’m not allowed to think “that” until I have a straight faced doctor to confirm it…twice. However, just because I have trained myself to stop those thoughts, it doesn’t mean the mind won’t try. It’s been eating at me all day…festering deep inside my brain…and tearing at my heart. I even considered buying a test…but who knows how much money I’ve spent on those already.
I am sure there are many women who have gone through the same thing I am going through. My question is…did your body play tricks on you? This isn’t the first time things like this have happened. In fact, I think there has been about 1 month out of 11 that things played out normally and I had a definitive “no”. Every other month there has been a pause and then a lot of questions. It has been absolute torture. I am not a patient person…and it is bad enough that 11 months have gone by…but does my body have to re-open the wound each time with a serrated knife?
I have almost become numb to it. I wouldn’t be surprised if/when it happens and I don’t believe it. I will be staring right into the doctor’s eyes as he tells me and I won’t believe him. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’ve decided I am incapable of this…maybe motherhood through this route isn’t my path…or maybe, I’ve just heard “no” so many times…”yes” is a far-away, forgotten word. Either way, none of these things are the reason I am on here.
Today, I made a call to the doctor…and, admitting defeat, scheduled the dreaded appointment:
Nurse: “What kind of appointment do you need to schedule?”
Me (timid): “I am not sure, I was just told to call and schedule a fertility appointment after we had been trying for a year.”
Nurse: “What date marks a year?”
Me: “April 12th, so probably something anytime after that.”
My appointment is April 13th…8:15 am. It seems so final. I know there is a road ahead…but I never thought conceiving would be so hard. You grow up thinking, “Well, when I want to have a baby, I will.” It doesn’t work that way…at least not for me. I know, I know…there is still hope. Maybe my body isn’t playing tricks on me this month…we do still have next month…but today…all I can think about is April 13th…and I’m scared.
Originally published March 2007
On Saturday Matt and I went on an amazing walk (finally) on the trail behind our house. We have decided to continue to walk there…often. I have decided, though, to write about it another day. I have to warn you, things will get a little up close and personal from here on out, so if you don’t want to know…stop reading.
Today, I am feeling a little on edge. Up until now, I have only slightly hinted at the fact that we have been trying for a baby. To say that this has been a fun and wonderful process would be an overstatement at this point. I am certain my friends and family have had it with my complaints but today, I just need to get it out.
I feel like my body is playing tricks on me. I was supposed to know today whether or not we accomplished pregnancy this month. If you think it’s funny that I used the word “accomplished”, you have never tried for a year to have a baby. Instead of knowing, I got a little trickle of the evil red stuff, no cramps and instead of the tenderness of “the twins” subsiding-as it usually does on day 1- it got worse. So, of course, my mind starts racing…trying to find one good reason for me to think…”maybe, oh maybe”…nope…gotta block that thought.
You see, I have become well trained in the art of stopping myself from thinking about the unthinkable. After the MELTDOWN last October, I’m not allowed to think “that” until I have a straight faced doctor to confirm it…twice. However, just because I have trained myself to stop those thoughts, it doesn’t mean the mind won’t try. It’s been eating at me all day…festering deep inside my brain…and tearing at my heart. I even considered buying a test…but who knows how much money I’ve spent on those already.
I am sure there are many women who have gone through the same thing I am going through. My question is…did your body play tricks on you? This isn’t the first time things like this have happened. In fact, I think there has been about 1 month out of 11 that things played out normally and I had a definitive “no”. Every other month there has been a pause and then a lot of questions. It has been absolute torture. I am not a patient person…and it is bad enough that 11 months have gone by…but does my body have to re-open the wound each time with a serrated knife?
I have almost become numb to it. I wouldn’t be surprised if/when it happens and I don’t believe it. I will be staring right into the doctor’s eyes as he tells me and I won’t believe him. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’ve decided I am incapable of this…maybe motherhood through this route isn’t my path…or maybe, I’ve just heard “no” so many times…”yes” is a far-away, forgotten word. Either way, none of these things are the reason I am on here.
Today, I made a call to the doctor…and, admitting defeat, scheduled the dreaded appointment:
Nurse: “What kind of appointment do you need to schedule?”
Me (timid): “I am not sure, I was just told to call and schedule a fertility appointment after we had been trying for a year.”
Nurse: “What date marks a year?”
Me: “April 12th, so probably something anytime after that.”
My appointment is April 13th…8:15 am. It seems so final. I know there is a road ahead…but I never thought conceiving would be so hard. You grow up thinking, “Well, when I want to have a baby, I will.” It doesn’t work that way…at least not for me. I know, I know…there is still hope. Maybe my body isn’t playing tricks on me this month…we do still have next month…but today…all I can think about is April 13th…and I’m scared.
Originally published March 2007
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