I Am Just Me

I often come to visit this little blog of mine and leave before writing anything down. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I can't quite figure out what this little piece of Internet is about?  Or perhaps I just don't have the words to express what I'm feeling at the time?  Mostly, I think I just don't think people will care what I have to say.  Which is just silly. I don't write for that reason. I write because I love the written word.  I may not be perfect, or even great at it, but who cares?  How often do we go to do something and don't because we think it won't matter, that people won't care, or that it won't be worth our time?  What matters is that we do what we feel compelled to do.  So here I am.  

"I am."  Self statements are often hard to answer for me. People want a big picture when they meet you. They want to try to understand who you are and what you love. While I understand who I am at the core, what I love is often changing or evolving and what I learn often shapes who I am a little more.  I AM always looking to learn more, be better, understand more fully- I guess.

Lately, my focus has centered around fitness, food, yoga, and obstacle course racing (OCR).  But I am still a musician, a writer, an artist, a book-lover, a wife, a mother, a friend, an introvert, the list goes on.  Here's my problem: how can I be all of those things at once?

The answer, of course, is: I can't.  Or at least, I can't DO all of those things at once.  I really struggle with this concept. Do you? I am constantly trying to fit all of these things into my day along with responsibilities like carting children around, cooking, cleaning, working, play dates, and TRYING to get to know people in my neighborhood- two years later.  You guys. I just can't do it all!  And it's so incredibly frustrating to me!

So, I start to let that negative self talk run rampant. The self that wants me to believe I'm not doing enough, I'm going to forget how to play the flute, that my vocal range is getting smaller, that I am no longer qualified to be a book lover because I struggle to read a novel a month, or that I am neglecting my children or my husband too much. 

Then I remember the importance of positive self-talk. I am a creature of many talents. I may not excel at all of them, but I do what I love when I can and it fulfills me.  Fitness, yoga and OCR has done WONDERS for my self esteem. To watch my body and mind become stronger is EMPOWERING.  To spend quality time with Matt as we conquer those races is a GIFT and I TREASURE that time. My kids do not feel neglected. They get plenty of love and attention from us. They also get to watch us fulfill our responsibilities and also reach past our limits and achieve goals together and sometimes they even join in!  More importantly, they say things like, "Look how strong I am, Mom!", "I am beautiful!", "Look how good I can draw a Cheetah!" In a world where women are constantly told they aren't enough in one way or another, I am so grateful to hear them say these wonderful things about themselves!  I hope I can be an example to them to reach high and dream big, or to just be brave enough to try something new.  If nothing else, I hope that they will continue to be kind to themselves and others.

I am still learning positive self-talk...and trying to release the negative thoughts that have filled my head over the years. It has taken me YEARS to learn to love myself exactly as I am.  I still struggle to do that sometimes and that's ok too.  Perfection is unattainable, and learning from mistakes is why we are here.  I am practicing being ok with my current focuses and circumstances. That everything really does have a season. 

This is a season of life where I have to choose my family before anything else, and fit in my own fulfillment around work and other responsibilities.  It is a season of never ending crumbs on the floor that will just have to wait until I get to them.  It is a season of story time before bed and working late because of it. A time of stolen moments alone with Matt.  This is a season of giving grace to myself for the things I can never get to and remembering to rejoice in all that I do accomplish.  Also, learning to be ok with the days I forget all these wonderful lessons I have learned. I AM...exactly who I am supposed to be.

So, if you're still here reading my jumbled thoughts I am not going to have time to edit, please accept this parting thought: Whatever you are doing, whoever you are, it is enough. We are all such awesome and precious people. We just need to remember it!

Today's thoughts were stirred up by watching this video today:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uWi5iXnguTU

And for the men:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aTAn-tk2pDA

Happy Wednesday friends! Be kind to yourself and to others.